Friday, September 30, 2011

Idiots and other things

I’m quitting my job.

There, I said it out loud. I’ve been terrified of articulating it, but I said it, I’m quitting. Okay, I’m done talking about that now, onto other things.

The main motivation behind this post is a woman. Usually, I like women, I have some amazing woman friends who are very dear to me and who also love me a lot. The dynamic and honesty in those relationships really makes my life a much better place to be in.

However, there are the girlfriends, complications, and other assorted relationship categories who will want to mess with you because they’re crazy, I dedicate this to them.

Dear crazy lady,

God clearly missed out when moulding the many segments that make up your non-existent brain. Which explains your complete lack of a decent sense of humour. Since your head is hollow and light, and your liver is marinating in alcohol [an excuse you use all the damn time, mind you], and you cannot look past the blinders you’ve got on, I am not going to waste my time trying to explain what friendships mean.

You are way too insecure and I cannot deal with your shit. I will not entertain you, who has no concept of boundaries, texting me from your boyfriend’s phone. I’m usually not a very nice person, when people like you behave the way you do, I’m inclined to being more terrible than usual. Which leads to a confrontation with my friend, which leads to him distancing me, which leads to you being happy.

Which brings me to I don’t like it when you are happy. For the most part, I’m very peace-loving. However, when you are this annoying intentionally, then you will have to live with the fact that I don’t like you being smug. I just don’t. I don’t care if you’re his woman and two of you love each other so much. I don’t care, really. I do care when you take a joke, an insider thing, and make it an issue. Like I told my friend today, you need a brain and a one-way ticket to Antarctica.

And please, don’t tell me this was a drunked episode, it wasn’t. You wanted to stake claim to territory, I don’t feel like letting you do it.

So yes, your boy is my “husband”. He always will be. I don’t care if it makes you miserable. I don’t care if your insecurity is too overwhelming that it kills you every time you hear it from me. I don’t care if you think that being the love of my friend’s life gives you privileges. I don’t care.

The “Wife”

Okay, I’m done.

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