Friday, February 20, 2015

All That Baby Talk, Pt2

24 Weeks.

I can't even begin to fathom that I've been gestating a mini human, or a mini as a friend refers to her newborn for this long. It's a bit, well, it's a bit of everything.

I miscarried back in 2013. I was 'surprised' when I found out I was expecting. Not that I'm good at admitting that to myself, let alone to the internet. I'm one of those people who makes no secret of her disdain for couples who are 'surprised' at their pregnancies. For some reason, I believe that two adults in a consensual, sexual relationship can't be surprised. I mean, there's a wealth of information out there, old wives tales included, and in this day and age, being surprised is a bit boring to be honest.

Anyway, my assholery aside, miscarrying was unexpected and a lot more emotional an experience than I'd bargained for. I was, at that time, newly married. My husband had precisely no clue about how to deal with this information. I mean, we'd talked about kids and we had planned that babies would happen after at least a year together, so this turn of events was territory we didn't think we'd have to chart as a couple so immediately into an arranged marriage.

I dealt with it particularly badly. Aside from the physical pain, there was also the fact that literally no one was thrilled with the news. My family gave me sage advice as always about how to take care of myself, but nothing indicated that they were excited about being grandparents. Not like they are now. They all asked me if I was sure. I didn't know myself. Most of what I went through was an intensely private ordeal. Even my doctor looked grim every time he looked at the ultrasound images on the screen. He kept saying, "it's not right. I think we may have to terminate."

An abortion, even a medically advised one, was not something my mum-in-law was willing to accept. But the doctor told her that my health mattered more and in the long run it was better to terminate than to hang on to a fetus that wasn't developing at all. Rather than let it begin to affect my physical well-being, the better idea was to let it go.

For the first time in a long time, I prayed before going for the final round of checkups prior to my D&C procedure. I just said, "if this is meant to be, I need a sign, some sign, any sign." That night, I began bleeding.

I'm the last person who resorts to prayer. For any reason. I'm the kind of person who'd be sitting in the corner of the room rolling her eyes and making fun of the rest of the room participating in a pooja that no one understood the purpose of (or so I thought). To have asked for divine intervention was a bit of a stretch even for me, but that's the place I was in mentally. I didn't know what else to do really. Also, Ganesha has always been a personal favourite and my all-time crush. I keep asking him for favours and bribing him with coconuts. It seems to work. I think.

After the doctor checked me up and gave me the all-clear, I went on the pill. Stayed on it till S and I decided to try for a baby.

Ever since recovering from HG and jaundice, I keep thinking back to the events of 2013 and I wonder if things have panned out the way they should have. My miscarriage happened on its own, so, was it a sign? I mean, if I asked for divine intervention then, should I now believe that there's a greater purpose being served here? Or am I putting too much weight on basic Biology? 

As 24 rolls into 25 and further, I can't help but think that my unborn child survived the onslaught of my borderline undernourished state in the first 12 weeks, and jaundice, and is now bouncing away quite happily post-10pm every night. Maybe there is a 'meant to be' angle in all this. Maybe.

1 comment:

  1. Tough ordeal that was......but I believe, everything happens for a reason....and divine interventions usually happen but we don't see it at that time.....we understand that later when the phase has passed.....have quite personal stories to share (those deserve a separate post) on this aspect......and you, are going to be a rock star mom!! Cheers and God bless...!! And, keep those posts coming!!

    ReplyDelete