Friday, February 27, 2015

All that Baby Talk, Pt3

Now that the emotions and sentiments of pregnancy is out of the way, I want to delve right into the territory I call fucking ridiculous.

It's a place where common sense has permanently abandoned any attempt at residing here and where the absurd and farcical come out to play. Every single second.

Owning to the fact that I don't drive, I don't go out much. I'm mostly homebound and until I'd finished 5 months, it was impossible for me to go anywhere because of the fatigue that would take over the second I exerted myself. My energy levels have finally been restored to some degree of normalcy and I feel like I can finally move around, only to be told that my final trimester is here and could I please shut up and sulk in a corner!

(1) In the early days of my pregnancy, my little viable fetus was referred to as a parasite. Yeah, parasite. If someone had said 'multicellular glob that's going to eventually turn into a 50% you and 50% husband baby' I'd have digested, but parasite? I mean, do you want me to get violent? Or are you being scientific? I don't get it. Call it a zygote, call it a fetus, call it the reason behind my ridiculous nausea, but a parasite? Ticks on my dogs eyelids are parasites, yo, not the multicellular organism I'm growing inside me! But yeah, I had to listen to the word parasite being bandied about and since I had zero energy to inflict serious bodily harm on the person talking, I had to listen.

(2) Coughing is not good. Please control the impulse to cough. I literally have no clue why this is sensible. Could it be because coughing is so high pressure that you'd end up delivering a baby? That's as ridiculous as the scene in What To Expect When You're Expecting, when this supermodel type chick sneezes and out pops a baby. Controlling a cough could exert that same pressure on your internal organs, and if everythign goes to shit when you chose suppressing instead of just bloody coughing, who are you going to blame? Yourself? Or me?

(3) Evil ghosts and goblins are out to possess your uterus! Okay, so going out and standing in the dark means all these evil night creatures will invade your uterus and possess your as yet unborn child with evil and you'll end up birthing the devil! Apparently this is why pregnant women aren't allowed to go out in the dark. I can't even. No, I won't.

(4) In-vitro is the best method of teaching your child calm and composure. Sure, I don't mind. But have you not met Biology? Like ever? There's also this thing called the universe which will remind you of your crimes and get you to pay every damn thing back in full. Children are the best way to accomplish this. And I'm sure everyone with a brain has figured this out. Our beleaguered parents are evidence of this payback phenomenon. And for those of us who have kids, or like me are waiting to be parents, can also safely vouch for this fact.

(5) Don't show anyone your stomach. Last I checked, I wasn't walking around with my shirt lifted up so everyone could see my bump. So what gives? Oh, not to wear fitting clothes? Dude, why the hell not? I know I'm pregnant, anyone who sees my waddle has figured out I'm pregnant, so why hide and pretend I'm not? Is this because of evil eye? If you ask me, if something bad has to happen, it will happen. Attributing it to evil eye or any other such thing is being stupid. Chill out. This is, however, a matter of personal choice. I'm not for bump-hiding. But for those who do, that's your bump to show off or hide.

So far, this is what I'm dealing with. There's more. I'll be adding to this story in increments. Soon.


  1. In my final trimester, nothing fitted me except the motherhood gowns I had purchased from Uzazi.....and I used to go to all places wearing them....draping a shawl. Good that you have a choice about clothes....Keep those posts coming.....there is so much in there I could relate to....and you will have so much to write later too :)